The Importance of Flexible Thinking

As a therapist, when I look at the events of the past week I see failures to think flexibly.  I see people who felt they couldn’t be ok unless the election outcome matched their vote.  And who became so desperate to feel better that they carried out an assault on the United States Capitol.

In this country, patterns of stuck or rigid thinking are on the rise.  Statements are made with certainty, with or without evidence.  It’s rare to hear someone saying “it’s most likely… but also could be…”

Our inability to add that “or maybe…” polarizes us.  It blocks compromise.  It stops us from opening our eyes to the BIPOC, LGBTQ, and feminist viewpoints that were left out of our textbooks.   It keeps us insisting that gender has to be binary in the presence of evidence to the contrary.

This week it prompted an armed invasion of Congress.  By the kind of organized mob we’d call “rebel forces” elsewhere.

Can you imagine feeling so stuck that the only path you saw was violence?  This is a large-scale version of something that also happens in families.  When flexible thinking fails. 

People who aren’t thinking flexibly sometimes try to calm themselves by changing or eliminating someone else’s choice.  This impulsive power play happens when we feel out of control.  And it’s what happened in Congress this week.

We sometimes use this kind of power play on a smaller scale as parents.  I did it myself recently.  My child was frustrated with her math homework and picked up my laptop to throw it.   I told her that if she threw it, I would throw her. 

I didn’t, and I wouldn’t.  That’s not my approach to parenting.  But that laptop was expensive, and I got desperate for control.  (Do as I say, not as I do, ok?)

In the worst-case scenario, parents do harm their children.  Or partners become violent with one another.   All because we lose our flexibility when anxiety overwhelms us.   

The antidote is flexible thinking.  The idea that things could turn out fine when they don’t go as planned.  That one simple idea diffuses anxiety, and keeps the worst in us at bay.

So what is flexible thinking?

It’s pizza night.  You’ve been looking forward to a slice of your favorite all week.   You’re placing your order when suddenly the power goes out. 

The pizza place has to close for the night.  What is your first thought?  What do you do next?

As an adult you’ve had a lifetime to learn how to pivot in a moment like this.  You have well rehearsed thoughts like “I guess I’ll have pizza tomorrow night.”   You quickly move on to an alternate plan.

This is flexible thinking (also called cognitive flexibility).  It’s the ability to say “I’ll do THIS… or maybe also that.  And if that plan doesn’t work, this other one might.”

Parenting has given you plenty of practice.  A sick child or sudden meltdown has derailed your plans at the last minute.  Kids have crawled into your bed when you were hoping for some time with your partner.

Still, you likely have moments when your flexibility breaks down.  When school abruptly closes for a pandemic, perhaps?  And you still have a full workday to contend with.   

Anxiety and stress can make us less flexible.   And being less flexible creates more anxiety and stress.  If things have to go a certain way for us to be ok, day to day decisions can feel like life or death scenarios.

Flexible thinking allows us to take charge of what we can control and accept what we can’t.  To choose another option when our preference isn’t available.  It’s an essential life skill.

Why Child Psychologists, Teen Counselors, and Family Therapists focus on flexible thinking

Your child has a tantrum or meltdown about getting the wrong color cup.  What’s happening?  A failure to think flexibly.

For a young child this is developmentally appropriate.  As children grow, we expect their ability to think flexibly to get better.  This happens more slowly and requires more support for children coping with autism, ADHD, or anxiety.

Your teen with ADHD, autism, or anxiety might experience a sudden flood of emotion in the face of change.  And a meltdown may still happen.  Flexible thinking is what allows that initial emotional outburst to end.  It enables your child to shift to problem solving. 

Learning to think flexibly also disrupts the cycle of anxiety and rigidity we mentioned above.  And it has social benefits.  It helps your child to be open to a peer’s idea or point of view. 

In families, it helps parents adjust to the needs of a child.  And helps children adjust to a change in plans or expectations.  It helps partners find compromise when they have opposing needs.

Pandemic Parenting requires Flexible Thinking

Name a few things you did one way before and do differently now.  All of those changes came from your flexible thinking.  Take a moment to recognize just how far you’ve come!

Without flexible thinking, you would have insisted on doing exactly what you had done before.  You would have stood at the bus stop insisting that the school bus still must come.  And of course you didn’t do that. 

You told yourself that this was just for a little while, and shifted your plans.  You might not have felt very flexible.  You might have felt panicked or angry.  But then you took action.   

If the panicked or angry feeling stuck around, you probably sought help.  People often come to therapy because they feel stuck.  Stuck in an emotional state.  Stuck in a pattern of relating to each other.

And popular models of therapy all have ways of getting you unstuck.  They incorporate flexible thinking.

Flexible Thinking and CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) for kids

In CBT, flexible thinking is called “balanced thinking.”  It’s a way of thinking that acknowledges the events and emotions that are happening, while also creating new possibilities.

An unbalanced thought sounds like “Our kids are falling behind.”  A balanced thought might be “our kids are having to adjust to big changes at school.  They might miss some of the benefits of the classroom, and they might also learn new skills and gain new strengths.”   

A balanced thought about children’s mental health during the pandemic would be:  Our kids are feeling lonely and bored right now.  We can check in with them more often or create more family fun to help them cope with these feelings.  And we can get them help if we need to.

When we teach this concept to kids in our practice, we call balanced thoughts “go thoughts.” They help us keep trying a difficult school assignment. And maintain a growth mindset.

The opposite of go thoughts is “stop thoughts.” Stop thoughts stop us from trying. They make us feel hopeless and powerless.

When we encounter a stop thought we pause, just like we would at a red light. This slowdown gives us the time to turn our stop thoughts into go thoughts.

At all ages, flexible thinking helps us move forward after feeling helpless, hopeless, and stuck.   If you’re having trouble getting unstuck, we can help. Request a free consult today.