Supporting LGBTQIA+ Youth
A Maryland therapist’s perspective on the power of embracing sexual and gender identity
As someone who identifies as lesbian, support from my family and friends has been indispensable for maintaining my mental well-being. My sexuality is a an integral part of my identity, and like every aspect of who I am, it deserves to be welcomed and celebrated.
Acceptance dismantles the barriers between us.
There are many aspects of our world that breed division - politics, religion, war, and more. However, one area where unity should dominate is our sense of identity. Identity is universal. We all have one (or many). And no one wants their identity to be criticized or attacked.
We begin developing our concept of self in early childhood through forming attachments to caregivers, learning language skills, navigating peer interactions, and gaining autonomy. As parents and caregivers, it is important to embrace our children’s authenticity. Sexuality and gender identity are integral parts of that process.
Embracing identity begins with acceptance, but doesn’t stop there.
Acceptance is about welcoming diversity in all forms - whether it’s race, ethnicity, neurodivergence, gender identity, sexual orientation, or ability. When we accept others for who they are, we create an environment where everyone feels valued and included.
With strangers, acceptance might seem like enough. But your child or friend needs more. They need your full support. Support means finding ways to help them feel safe expressing who they are. And seeking to understand them better. It also means becoming an ally.
Becoming an ally as a parent
You’re an ally for your child in many ways already. You talk with the school if they are being treated unfairly, or need academic support. You help them learn to stand up for themselves with other kids, and stand up for them when someone else is being unfair or unkind. Being an ally around your child’s gender identity and/or sexuality is the same process.
Your first instinct when your child comes out to you might be to protect them. You might even think it’s more protective to teach them to hide themselves. This is because you understand that they might be targeted or excluded based on identity. Identity-based violence decreases when the number of voices speaking out against it increases. When the public message is “harming LGBTQIA+ youth is not ok,” your child is safer. You can make your own voice public on social media, at neighborhood gatherings, at PTSA meetings, and anywhere you go.
Becoming an ally as a friend, neighbor, or family member
Friends are already allies for each other in many ways. When you go places together, you look out for one another’s safety. An an ally for your LGBTQIA+ friend, it will be important to go places where he/she/they can be comfortable using the restroom or holding a partner’s hand. That might mean researching local laws before choosing a travel destination. Or noticing whether you see other LGBTQIA+ people in the spaces where you hang out. If you don’t, do some googling and find a queer friendly spot instead.
As a neighbor or family member, you can add visible signs of support to your yard and social media pages. You can invite your LGBTQIA+ neighbor to events, and be sure they know their partner (if they have one) is welcome too. If someone else in the neighborhood or family is giving them trouble, step up to protect them. For more about allyship, click here.
Strategies to support your child’s gender and sexual identity
Supporting your child’s gender and sexual identity is crucial for their well-being and development. From a young age, we form attachments to the people closest to us, and often seek their acceptance. Experiencing acceptance is integral to shaping our identity. Here are some strategies you can use to support this process.
Create an environment that fosters open communication
Create an environment where your child feels comfortable talking about their identity with you. Even if you don’t fully understand what they’re going through, knowing that they are heard can make a huge impact. Be a good listener and avoid using judgmental responses. After all, this is their journey of self-discovery and self-love. Here is a response you might consider:
I’m so proud of you for being open and honest about who you are. I love you and want you to know that your identity is important, and your happiness is my priority.
Your response may vary depending on your child or adolescent’s personality. What’s most important, though, is that you are validating their feelings and celebrating them for who they are. After all, doesn’t everyone want to be celebrated?
Educate yourself
Take time to educate yourself about different gender and sexual orientations. Understanding the terminology and issues that impact LGBTQIA+ individuals is one of the easiest ways you can relate and support your child. Many influential celebrities, authors, politicians, and others identify within the LGBTQIA+ community or are strong allies, providing valuable insights and perspectives.
Respect their identity
Respect your child’s identity. Use their preferred name and pronouns. and let them express themselves authentically. Our names and pronouns are the cornerstone of our identities, shaping how we present ourselves to the world and establishing a fundamental aspect of who we are.
We refer to people by their names every day in various settings. We also adapt to name changes resulting from significant life events such as adoption, marriage, divorce, etc. Referring to someone by their preferred pronoun is no different.
Provide resources
Offer your children access to resources such as books, websites, and support groups that focus on LGBTQIA+ issues. This can help them feel less isolated and provide them with valuable information and support.
Many high schools have pride groups that offer an excellent opportunity for adolescents to meet other LGBTQIA youth. Additionally, there are many books that teach inclusivity and acceptance from a young age. "ABC Pride" by Louie Stowell and Elly Barnes, and "Love Makes a Family" by Sophie Beer are just a few books aimed at promoting inclusivity from an early age. For adolescents, explore the New York Times recommended list from 2023 by clicking here.
Lead by example
Model acceptance and inclusivity. Show your children that you are actively working to create a more inclusive and accepting society. This means using their preferred pronouns, advocating for them in the face of skepticism or judgement, even from family members, and actively participating in LGBTQIA+ support groups like PFLAG. PFLAG is a national organization that unites parents of LGBTQIA+ individuals and focuses on advocacy, education, and support. If your community lacks accessible and LBTQIA+ friendly resources, you can follow in my mom’s footsteps by either creating a PFLAG chapter or working to improve resources available. If you are interested in joining or learning more about your local PFLAG chapter, click here.
Remember this when supporting your LGBTQIA+ friend, neighbor, or child
Gender identity and sexuality are not necessarily connected
In this post I’m talking about embracing your child’s identity, with a specific focus on LGBTQIA+ youth and adults. That acronym (LGBTQIA+) includes many different identities. When your child or friend tells you about their gender identity, they are not talking about their sexuality. And when they talk about sexuality, that doesn’t tell you much about their gender. These are separate parts of each person’s identity. For more specific guidance on supporting your child’s gender identity as a parent, click here.
We’re talking about identity, not about sex
As adults, when we think about sexuality, we also think about sexual relationships. But sexuality is more than that. Your sexuality is like a joy detector in your body that tells you who you want to be close to. In childhood relationships that usually means who you think is “cute.” Thinking about their sexuality doesn’t mean a child is thinking about sex. They are likely noticing a difference between who they and their peers like to hang around with. And that difference is teaching them something about themselves.
